In this conversation with Don, my typing skills were greatly tested. Talk about having to have fast fingers. I would have much preferred this conversation to have been recorded by video to give me the freedom to completely be with him. Also the camera, I feel, could better capture Don's smile and laugh that seems spontaneous. That gut growl of a laughter that roars throughout a room. That laugh that seems to come from nowhere, but surely comes for a deep place inside of him. A place that, if you are not aware, can seem like a happy happy all the time place. But if you are watching, if you are listening, it is a place that holds the triggers of all of his humanity.
You will notice throughout this dialogue the parenthetical thoughts and conversation tangents. I found them significant here, even if only in parenthesis, to attempt to explain the frequent skips and jumps in the convo. We danced, Don and I. Just had our own...rhythm.
J* What do you wanna begin with?
D* By saying that I appreciate family opening up themselves to family. The Davis family is an enigma and it's good to get out of it a little bit.
J* Say more about that. An enigma?
D* We love, but we don't know what's going on with anybody unless there's a crises.
(We list the lineup of the Davis siblings from oldest to youngest. Then the lineup of the brothers.)
I consider Bubba and me book ends. Like he's the oldest boy and I'm the youngest boy. Technically he's not the oldest boy. See, we knew Troy and that we wanted to know him as daddy's son. I knew him from that standpoint. There were always people around. Mama and Daddy had a way of bringing people into the family 'cause that's how they were.
(As I try to call the Davis sibling lineup from oldest to youngest, I am reminded again that I can never seem to do it in the correct order. But I try, beginning with Mary. Grandmommy would never let us forget Mary.)
Like Patsy says she's the seventh child, but she's the eighth child born to Daddy. See we all have a way of doing our counting. You just gotta understand where the person is coming from.
(When there are two or three Davis children gathered together, the following statement comes up. Out of..."nowhere.")
D* We're very talented but in many ways we sabotage ourselves.
(And then the pause as we mentally go down the list. We skip Mary this time.)
J* Is that different from other families you know?
D* To the degree that we have it it is. With the numbers that we have.
(We talk about us telling our stories. Setting them free. FREE!)
D* I'm dead.
(This statement takes me by surprise, but not really because I am dancing with Don.)
D* The more I've become this dead person I'm talking about, I'm not afraid anymore. I'm dead to all of my wrongs and rights and I can't get hurt buy it. I'm free from it. People can now know where I'm coming from.
(We talk about how being "dead" is the only way to really live. The only way to really follow God. We are "dead" to our egos that keep us locked into what "they" say, how "they" feel.)
D* I think I'm the most misunderstood sibling and uncle in the group.
J* Why?
D* In coming up, I was the fly in the buttermilk. I was "bothering" instead of trying to understand. "Destructive" instead of constructive. I think they think of me as a young person and not as who I am today.
J* Is it possible that that's just how you see it? I can't imagine that when your brothers and sisters hear you speak, that they are listening to you as their "little" brother.
D* I don't think that they see me as a younger brother, but they think, "That's just Don."
J* Everybody has a "that's just them." There's a "That's just Janice", "That's just Bobbie", and yeah a "That's just Don."
D* I'll give you an example. I got involved in gambling to the point that it misconstrued my life. And nobody knew what was going on. I resigned from the church because I wasn't living to the standard as someone leading Gods people. It caused strains in the relationship between Val and me, and rightly so. After Therman was missing, then Bobbie and her issues, I feel like people took time to know what was going on with Therman and Bobbie, but they didn't take the time to find out what was going on with me.
One of the things that all of you guys know, is that even though I was far away from family, I was the one always trying to get to family. I was the one who drove out even in a raggedy car, I drove out. To Georgia. To California. To Utah. I wanted to know the giftedness of our family and why has God gifted us and why we haven't taken advantage of it.
(The pause for the mental list again.)
J* I called you. You had really been on my mind and I called and left a message and never heard from you.
D* I do remember that. I had your number in my cell phone but didn't have my cell and couldn't reach you. But when you did call me, I felt that that was God telling me that He cared. Also when you did, that's when John and your mother came to visit me in Memphis. I knew God was telling me again that, "I care about you if nobody else does."
J* Do you have a story in your head that nobody cares about you?
D* That's the story of my life. I'ma give you where I'm coming from. Not like that's how it is, but that was my reaction to what was. Coming up, I was more interested in the older ones in my life. Bubba was my mentor. I was interested in Bobbie and what she was doin'. I was the one that engaged Daddy. Bubba taught me how to do that. Then later on it was you. I was fascinated with Herman 'cause he was the littlest guy on the field but he had so much heart. And your mother was just a great athlete.
Me coming up, I was involved in athletes and academics, but I can only think of one time in my life when my mother and father came to my game.
J* Grandmommy and Granddaddy, with ten children there, did they go to a lot of games?
D* It wasn't about them not going to any one else's. It wasn't about them (siblings). I didn't see them at mine. I do remember Mama gettin' us together to go to Therman's talent show in coming to my conclusion about why I am the way I am.
J* What is that? "Why I am the way I am."
D* I basically had to do things on my own. Because nobody was there to teach me. I had a hernia when I was born but I didn't get operated on till i was in the 7th grade. I couldn't be in regular gym because of the hernia. Daddy scarified so that I could have an operation so I wouldn't be known as the kid in ortho gym. Otherwise, I would still have it.
Also in my junior year in high school, I was robbed of the things I deserved because I didn't have anybody to support me. Poly kept track of people, in terms of the position you played. They gave you points in football. Well, I had more points than anybody. I had more tackles than anyone on the team. When it came to the awards ceremony, Mr. Radford came to me and said, "I know you think you're gonna get the award for defensive back of the year, and you do deserve it, but we're gonna give it to Booker T 'cause we wanna encourage him. And we know you're gonna have the right attitude." They were trying to encourage him, but he didn't even go on to do the things they thought he would.
Then in my senior year, I was in the paper every week because of what I accomplished in football, but all I got was honorable mention. It's just the story of my life.
I've come to understand now that if I had spoken up it would have been different, but I didn't know how to speak up.
(Ohh, my mind says. That's why you speak up so much now. But I am not a psychologist. I am a niece. Don's niece. Trying to get to know him. Still.)
D* I don't think any of my brother and sisters know that, because they don't take the time to get to know me. And sometimes that hurts. So that's where I'm coming from.
J* I got it. Wow.
D* And the irony of everything, is that I think the Davis family is double blessed. Because from the Gray side comes the intellect and from the Davis side comes the leadership.
J* I feel like you have a bunch of stories that nobody will ever know.
D* Everybody says that I should put 'em in a book. But i don't know. I got to get rid of the feeling that when I get into a crowd of my family, how do I get them not to think that, "That's the same ole Don."?
J* Is there something that this Don would address?
D* Time is short. We need to throw away old paradigms. We need to realize that we're all on a journey. Whatever you call Him. God. Nature. Her. There is still a higher power that we answer to. What is that entity saying to you so that you can be complete? Whether it's a Christian thing or not, I don't have that hangup anymore.
(Don's other example of the family not hearing him.)
At Mama and Daddy's 50th wedding anniversary. The brothers and sisters were at the practice and were gonna march in. Remember we marched in with our spouses? There were two people who weren't married at the time, your mom and John. They moved John up to march with your mother. Troy was standing up with Daddy. So they had Bubba, Therman, Herman, John then Jimmy which was out of order. All I said was "This is out of order." John said, "Why you messing up everything!?" I told them that I wasn't trying to mess things up. "But if this is how you want it? But I won't mess it up." Troy came up to me and said, "You know how you are, Don."
They also thought that because I was a preacher, they thought I was very judgemental. But I wasn't. I just wanted to get an understanding. We all have our issues that we have to deal with. What you do with that issue is what makes the differences.
My thing is that the family is so intelligent, but we're are afraid of our success because we are afraid to step on toes. It's taken your generation to help us get beyond that. You, Genevieve, Ursala. Ronnie grew up with us so he's really just like a sibling.
J* But Ronnie and Steve grew up together.
D* But Ronnie was in the house.
J* Do you see how we could have thought you were judgemental?
D* I see how. It just wasn't accurate. My brothers and sisters in Christ are some of the most judgemental people I know. Some of the most hypocritical people too.
J* So are you saying that we were hypocrites because we considered you judgemental?
D* No. We just don't know where a person is coming from. We don't take the time to know.
J* You know, Don, I remember the point when me being open with you...stopped. I used to be so excited when you, well, when all of my uncles from out of town would come home. Once you and Therman were home and I was talking to yall about some new books I had been into. I drove yall out to the Bodhi Tree Bookstore in L.A.
D* I remember that.
J* I showed you a book and you opened it and said, "Is this new age?" I felt like you were putting down what I was interested in because it wasn't Christian enough for you and that you hadn't even looked at it.
D* That's what you thought, but that's not how it happened. I was only asking if it was new age to give me a point of reference as to how to read the book. Just like when I was younger and would read Harlequin novels to get aroused.
(We move on.)
Lemmie tell you something I tell the church. We have the power of creation in us. We should be able to take anything in our hands and mold it. The Bible teaches us that that what is not good goes out with the dung. So many things that we need to do but we don't take care of because we are afraid because of how it might look. Notice I'm using inclusive language.
J* Are you depressed?
D* I have been. That's why I'm in therapy.
J* Are you in therapy now?
D* Yeah, I told you my therapist said I should put this in a book.
J* Oh, I didn't hear you say your therapist. I thought you said "everybody." OK, are you confronted about writing a book?
D* I'm asking if that's what I should do because I have so many tasks in front of me. I need to get my life straight. I'm hoping to do that later on.
J* Who would be your audience for the book?
D* Whoever is interested in being alive to the Creator.
J* So, what was the shift that included everybody? (All religions)
D* Not a shift, but a transformation. I always knew that God wanted me to include others. I began to start transforming my theology. I said what we gotta do is get involved in the principals of God and not law of God. People get hung up in the law. Don't do that because God said this. And you could find another scripture where He said the opposite of that.
For example, one of the principles of God is when He said, "If you be faithful over a few things I will make you faithful over many." I would ask my congregation, what are you faithful over?
And I begin asking myself, "What am I faithful over?")
D* The principal of God is so down pat. Do you know why Rebbecca, and Sarah, and Leah, and Rachel had problems they had?
J* In the Bible?
D* Yeah. They had the problems they had because of the law of incest.
J* The law of?...
D* Incest. See, when you mate with relatives, you will have problems in birth. He is consistent. That's the kind of God we serve. My clergy brothers get upset with that.
J* Is there anything you won't preach?
D* No. I'm dead. (Laughs the laugh he is famous for.) Because the Bible says you should know the truth and the truth shall set you free.
J* Where are you wth gambling?
D* One of the reasons I came back to California is to get away from it. I never bought a lottery ticket. My gambling is casino gambling. Blackjack. Some of the people (siblings)already knew about the gambling problem and they think that when I ask for anything, they think it's for that. But I would never do that.
J* Say something for your children.
D* I'm praying for Deon. I think he's on a path where he's trying to be a castle unto himself. But I stick to the principle that "If you're faithful over a few things I'll make you faithful over many." And, "If you train up a child in the way that he should go, then when he gets older he will not depart from it." I'm praying he gets older. I'm praying for him very much. I'm concerned about my granddaughter.
Darius is in college and a very powerful preacher. I tell him not to be afraid of his intellect and of being expressive with it. We talk to Brooke and not to Deon. He won't talk to us 'cause he thinks he knows what were gonna say. Val picks up the slack more than anybody. For me, I'm on a path of getting my life together.
J* I need to see you.
D* I have to go through this cleansing process with God. But I'm gon get back into it. (Preaching)
One of things that was very consistent with the Davis / Gray people is that they don't wanna change their world. Even though they might need to. They don't because they know where everything is. But you know what the key to life is? Change.
J* You know what I'm gonna buy myself for my birthday?
D* What?
J* A tape recorder.
D* That's coming up on the third right?
J* Yeah.
D* You didn't think I knew that did you? Ask all of my siblings, they will tell you that I know the most about all of them then any of them do.
J* Are you angry?
D* I'm not angry. No. Because anger is an unfair emotion. There are times that I am angry. But I'm not now. Anger should be very temporary.
J* Are you angry often?
D* Anger should something to get you started. It shouldn't keep you going.
J* What are you now?
D* Compassionate and caring. I care that you get the best results in your life. I also know I'm not the one to give them to anybody. I can give you the nuggets, but you gotta grow 'em for yourself.
Thank you, Don for this conversation, that I expect to one of many many more. If you have been consistent in my life for anything, it has been you being reliable for an interesting dialogue. You're right, Don. You were always there. Where ever you were, you were there.
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